Breaking news – Asian man earns unlimited British-ness – Ministers said to be “very happy”.

Breaking news from a small town in Lancashire, Lancstown. A 45 year old Asian man felt compelled to turn his daughter into the police, after fearing she had been radicalised by anti-democratic, jihadist and anti-western influences. “I just heard what she was saying, and saw how she was acting, and just got really suspicious. It’s the only way, it’s the British way. I mean, you can’t trust anybody…it was really difficult, but after hearing all this stuff on the news, and David Cameron, and Theresa May, about British values, and being good Muslims, I just thought, well, it’s the right thing to do.” The man’s daughter was held at a specialist anti-terror intelligence unit where she will be questioned for an undetermined length of time, in an undisclosed location, by any undetermined number of special operatives. When asked what specifically raised his suspicion, the 45 year old father said “well, I got back from work, and asked her how her day had been and she just kept saying ISIS, ISIS, ISIS. I asked her what she meant, and she just said ‘ISIS’. Well, that was it for me”. We were invited into the home to speak to the other family members. The girl in question also has two older siblings, a brother and sister, who are distraught at the sudden arrest of the youngest member of this close knit family. On speaking to them, they were understandably upset and puzzled as they tried to make sense of it all in discussions and conversations with each other. The suspected terrorist’s older sister posed a question and asked her brother if he thought this was just unacceptable.
His response was “Aye, sis. Aye.” The case continues as the 3 year old is questioned about her potential connections to terror cells.

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Women, Men and the prevention of terror…

Harshad Keval

Visitors to the county of Cornwall may be under a potential risk of Pasty-isation. A report published recently warns that male visitors to the popular holiday destination may fall under the influence of radical Cornish Pasty enthusiasts. As Cornish inhabitants of the county celebrated a national acknowledgment of their newly ratified ‘minority’ status, there is a parallel underside to the celebratory mood. Reports indicate an extensive influence on normal, everyday young men, who apparently undergo a series of psychological, physical, and emotional transformations, making them unable to respond to logical and rational debate. Reports warn that one way of preventing the pasty-isation of male visitors to Cornwall, is through appealing to a specialist sub group – ‘women’. This highly specific, sub category have been defined in the report as holding the key to any further damage that may result to communities of ‘male visitors to Cornwall who eat Pasties’. These appeals to ‘women’ have been made in the national press, local pasty shops, and community organisations where communities of ‘men’ can be persuaded by the all-encompassing gendered power of ‘women’. The report also states that the primitive and basic form of civilisation and culture which these easily influenced, male, pasty eaters, visiting Cornwall come from, require the most basic and simplistic form of gender division to be enacted in order for some form of normality to resume. It has been argued that the specialist skills that ‘women’ have may be the way forward in convincing ‘men’ that Cornish Pasty led social unrest is not the way forward, a direct contrast to previous reports of ‘women’ in the pasty-influenced communities being unable to activate forms of empowerment due to oppressive, pasty-led ideologies. The debate continues.
A related news story…http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/10784489/Syria-crisis-Many-British-families-are-oblivious-to-would-be-jihadists.-Thats-why-women-must-talk-to-loved-ones-early-on.html