Breaking news – Asian man earns unlimited British-ness – Ministers said to be “very happy”.

Breaking news from a small town in Lancashire, Lancstown. A 45 year old Asian man felt compelled to turn his daughter into the police, after fearing she had been radicalised by anti-democratic, jihadist and anti-western influences. “I just heard what she was saying, and saw how she was acting, and just got really suspicious. It’s the only way, it’s the British way. I mean, you can’t trust anybody…it was really difficult, but after hearing all this stuff on the news, and David Cameron, and Theresa May, about British values, and being good Muslims, I just thought, well, it’s the right thing to do.” The man’s daughter was held at a specialist anti-terror intelligence unit where she will be questioned for an undetermined length of time, in an undisclosed location, by any undetermined number of special operatives. When asked what specifically raised his suspicion, the 45 year old father said “well, I got back from work, and asked her how her day had been and she just kept saying ISIS, ISIS, ISIS. I asked her what she meant, and she just said ‘ISIS’. Well, that was it for me”. We were invited into the home to speak to the other family members. The girl in question also has two older siblings, a brother and sister, who are distraught at the sudden arrest of the youngest member of this close knit family. On speaking to them, they were understandably upset and puzzled as they tried to make sense of it all in discussions and conversations with each other. The suspected terrorist’s older sister posed a question and asked her brother if he thought this was just unacceptable.
His response was “Aye, sis. Aye.” The case continues as the 3 year old is questioned about her potential connections to terror cells.


“Foreign Gas” to be repatriated…The Fracking Debate Heats up

“Party for a United Kingdom of England’ declare foreign gas to be repatriated if Fracking goes ahead in Kent”

In startling developments this week, as regional, national and global debates around fracking and its impacts on communities and the environment heat up, the ‘Party for a United Kingdom of England’ waded into the debate, guns and populist trope blazing.

PUKE party representatives released a press statement which appeared to be a communication regarding the environment. In the press release, the party representative, Mr I. M. Careless declared that in a bid to protect the nations’ hard earned economic and cultural purity, it would be crucial to ensure that any gases and energy sources generated as a result of fracking should be vetted for its foreign status. Mr Careless is quoted as saying “its up to this party to make sure we contain what’s English, what’s British, and what rightly belongs to us, and this applies to the environment. We need to make sure the air we are breathing, and the gas we are using is English, and the only way to do this is to regulate Fracking properly. If an energy source is found to be lacking in its UK origin, it will need to be repatriated.”

In a rather bizarre off-shoot to the main event, a secondary theme of the press release also pointed to what the party has called ‘the environmental risks of foreign migrants’. Party representatives said “our analysis shows that as a direct result of EU directives, the free movement of people across borders – principally into the UK is causing a huge environmental impact, with geothermal and satellite imaging showing these impacts are contained within UK sub-soil and airspace. What’s more, these impacts have increased in-line with the lackadaisical approach to immigration that previous and current governments have employed. We have said time after time that it’s not just jobs and housing that foreigners are taking, its our environment – we have evidence that immigrants are relying on the welfare state, and using this ill-gotten money to steal UK environmental purity. Its got to stop.”

The debate goes on.